Earlier this week, the TV gods blessed us with a gift: the first look at the new season of Orange is the New Black! Though we’re two months away from getting the real thing, this gift provides us with a fix of our favorite inmates from Litchfield, as well as a glimpse of what of our friends will be up to in the third season. Like an inmate getting a cavity search, it seems only fitting to examine the trailer for a shot-by-shot analysis (along with my commentary). After all, there’s little else to do until June 12!
- “I just wanna say,” we open on Black Cindy, discussing her destiny. “I could be a famous rapper, you know what I’m saying?! Like,” she drops a beat: “January, February, March,” Taystee and Poussey jam with her, “April, May, June!”
- I would pay money to see their live show.
- Orange title screen: ON JUNE 12
- A white van pulls up, new inmates enter with Pennsatucky as their guide. She says to the newbies, “Welcome to Litchfield, two point nothing!”
- Morello obviously lost her job as New Inmate Escort after last season’s romp in her beau Christopher’s house, and since Pennsatucky arrived at a very zen mental state at the end of last season, it makes sense she’s been promoted from her position as a laundress.
- Lolly, an inmate we met in the first episode of last season, freaks out over the amazingness of Litchfield, the cleanliness of the prison walls, “and I haven’t heard anybody screaming.”
- She’s back! The last time we saw Lolly, she was getting the crap beat out of her, while Pepper just watched. I think Lolly will have some words for our protagonist!
- Just as the word “screaming” leaves Lolly’s mouth, we hear Morello letting out the shrillest, giddiest shriek at the sight of a Sophia makeover.
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- Lipstick and a bob do not suit Big Boo.
- “It’s a whole new world around here,” says Freida to Red.
- Since Vee was demolished by Rosa in a van left?
- “It’s a beautiful day!” gushes Red to Healey, over a shot of Daya and Bennett canoodling in
- the yard. “I’ve turned over a new leaf!”
- Red must be feeling particularly liberated after Vee’s
sweet, sweet murderdeparture.
- Red must be feeling particularly liberated after Vee’s
- Piper, to no one in particular, “Sounds kinda crazy.”
- Yes, I agree, it does sound kinda crazy that Red is in a seemingly perpetual good mood.
- And here’s Crazy Eyes, doing what she does best.
- Making crazy eyes!
- “When you just said that, my nipples got like, super hard,” Maritza says to a giggling Flaca.
- What makes Maritza’s nipples get so hard at the sheer sound of it?! I want to knooow!
- Orange title screen: NO EXCUSES
- Over that transition there’s a shot of a cheering Caputo. Someone’s enjoying their new job.
- Luschek to Piper in the yard: “Y’know, the uh, hot one’s back…”
- Alex saunters into the cafeteria. Luschek continues, “Bettie Page of Litchfield.”
- Good to know Luschek is still a prick.
- “How am I back here?” a broken Alex with a black eye asks Piper.
- Umm… because you ended your contract after the first episode of season two but then renewed it because you didn’t know how successful this show would be?
- Piper looking at Alex: sad, stunned, worried.
- Relieved?
- Morello gushing at the two love-birds, “Awww it’s so nice to see you guys back together!” with Yoga Jones and Sister Jane in the background.
- Forever the romantic, that one.
- Orange title screen: NO APOLOGIES
- Piper, to presumably Healy: “Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now,” with shots of Pennsatucky looking confident, and Sister Jane holding a rosary over the line.
- You are JUST NOW figuring this out?! It’s just as well. If she weren’t such a slow learner this show would be over already.
- Piper in a light blue uniform looking anxious, pressing her face against a wall.
- Or is it the stall of a bathroom? And if she’s in a different uniform she must’ve gotten herself in trouble again!
- Alex crying on what looks like the other side of the wall/bathroom stall.
- GO TO HER, PIPER! THERE’S A DOOR TO THAT STALL!
- A shot of Gloria rubbing Daya’s back comfortingly.
- She doesn’t look very pregnant. Did she have the baby?
- “Stop trying to mold the real world into the one inside your pointy blonde head,” Red scolds Piper, over shots of Nora hugging someone that looks unfamiliar.
- Piper is resting her head on a paper towel roll. I imagine in the right position that could be comfortable. But what happened to her pillow?
- “The world is better in black and white,” continues Red, lying down on a mattress-less bed. Pregnant pause, and then: “…and red.”
- IT’S SO EXCITING! IT’S LIKE A RED BATTLE CRY!
- Orange title screen: BRACE YOURSELF
- The song “I’m So Sorry” by Imagine Dragons blasts at our faces!
- New hot inmate that my lesbian friends love winks at a sheepish Piper.
- She’s making ME blush!
- Gloria to Sophia in the kitchen, “You need to get out of here, before you add another 100 years to my sentence.”
- What could Sophia do that would piss someone off that much?!
- Orange title screen: FOR THE THIRD COMING
- Nicky, wearing regular clothes in front of large windows in what looks like a very high building, exclaims facetiously, “This is just great!”
- Did she get out?! What is going on?!
- Big Boo and Pennsatucky are on the floor of their room (bunk? sleeping quarters?), clinking their mugs in a toast with what looks like a lot of empty wrappers are strewn on the floor.
- How do these two end up being friends?! THERE’S SO MUCH GOING ON!
- Maria is getting escorted out by prison guard Wanda, screaming and gesturing to something/someone aggressively.
- Black Cindy is in the bathroom dancing in her skivvies, spraying deodorant (?) all over her body, particularly her ladyparts.
- I want to be her friend SO BADLY!
- Orange title screen: SORRY
- Taystee tearfully hugging Crazy Eyes, who is nodding and also crying.
- I’m crying too!
- Orange title screen: NOT SORRY
- Piper forcing open the door to the library, looking angrily behind her.
- Is anyone surprised by her hissyfits?
- Alex, punching a white-haired inmate with glasses.
- Also, not surprised at Alex’s outburst. If these shots are back-to-back, are there problems with the couple of the year already?
- Orange title screen: SORRY
- Maria, in a hairnet at the food line, behind Maritza, “Don’t you try nothing.”
- Is that to a newly confident Red?!
- Crazy Eyes looks around concernedly.
- Morello from outside the prison, in tears, two hands on the glass behind bars.
- Is it Christopher?!
- Orange title screen: NOT SORRY
- Chang sits at cafeteria table, raising a glass and toasting, “I love everybody!”
- Yo someone got Chang drunk.
- (A series of very, very, very quick shots)
- Crazy Eyes walking down the hall with purpose.
- Healy saluting a new guard with curly hair.
- Sophia looking surprised.
- Poussey looking excited.
- Gloria clapping her hands.
- Caputo frustratingly shaking a large book.
- Alex seductively stroking a rake.
- Nora in the chapel, putting her finger to her mouth like she’s telling everyone to shush.
- Red putting her glasses on sassily, with Gloria watching.
- A new guard says, “This piece of writing is… obscene. It’s pornographic.”
- Crazy Eyes, sitting in front of the new guard’s desk, “No! It’s not just sex! It’s love! It’s two people, connecting. With four other people. And aliens.”
- Okay, so maybe fiction is what she does best.
- Orange title screens:
- ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
- SEASON 3
- #SORRYNOTSORRY
- JUNE 12
O.M.G. My excitement cannot be contained! From the song, to the hashtags, to the usual DGAF attitude of our friends at Litchfield, Orange is the New Black is coming back with a vengeance.
Among all the familiar faces in the trailer, it is worth noting that some are missing: Janae, Soso, Pornstache, Larry and Polly. Both Pornstache and Larry were confirmed earlier this year as not returning in season three. As for Polly, if her new beau won’t appear this season, she likely won’t either. I can do without Soso, and her sentence probably wasn’t long in the first place, but I do hope Janae will still be around.
If the trailer is any indication, Orange is the New Black is just getting better with age. All we have left to do now is binge watch the first two seasons and count down the days!
