The 4 Most Delusional Characters on ‘Orange is the New Black’

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“(Don’t) Say Anything” reminded me of Alex’s speech to Berdie from season three, particularly the line: “We all think we’re good guys.” An integral part to the foundation of this show is in the idea that people’s behavior is influenced by a variety of factors, and these factors tend to be so unexpected you consider the person’s identity differently. Miss Claudette killed a man, but she killed a sadistic man that hurt a child. Hard to argue with that, right? But more often the “quilt of lies” that characters sew for themselves severely misinform their reality. Here’s those struggling with it the most this episode:

1. Caputo and his former COs

Caputo’s been riding high since becoming warden and adjusting to the numerous new challenges at Litchfield. He even succeeds in getting a date with Linda from Purchasing! The date turns a bit sour when he sees one of his former COs bussing tables at their restaurant. None other than Admiral Rodcocker himself launches into a diatribe about the precarious financial position Caputo put them in and how he didn’t stick up for them. He gives Caputo the 20 pity bucks back, rightfully saying that given so he could feel better about his choices. Caputo fires right back, calling them out on leaving on the most important day in “25 fuckin’ years.” He sees it as, “The shit hit and instead of moving the fan away, you plugged it in and you hit ‘oscillate.'” Reality? Caputo didn’t communicate well and the COs were impatient.

2. Soso

Our little hippie messed up real bad. Always one for social consciousness, we learn through her backstory that Soso has a tendency to want to look the part more than live it. Her relationship with Poussey was born from crippling mutual loneliness, and since they’ve enjoyed having someone to hold hands with more than they’ve learned anything about one another. Soso’s heart was in the right place when she spoke to Judy King about Poussey’s fangirlness, but her assumptions about black people based solely on viewings of “The Wire” were damaging. She was faced with her desire to be open-minded clashing with her prejudicial reality. Perhaps this ordeal also made Poussey see that neither knew much about the other, otherwise Soso got very lucky after her Say Anything moment. (Also, two John Cusack movie references this season! Crazy!)

3. Piper

The Most Delusional of All Time award consistently goes to Piper, who thought that having a body guard, making weak threats and gifting her employees Ovaltine would allow her to maintain what little power she had. As we know from last episode, Maria has leadership skills in her blood, and it seems as though her new friends are going to start a “prison pussy panty business” of their own. But we all know stubborn, stupid Piper isn’t going to let it go that easily.

Narratively speaking, the show is smart to move on from focusing on Piper’s business plan. It’s difficult to maintain plot arcs over the full year that separates the seasons of a series people only binge watch.

4. Morello

While everyone else is suffering from their delusions, Morello is thriving from hers! The lack of self-awareness that made Morello a stalker is now coming in handy. She and her adoring husband are having such great “I’ll have what she’s having” sex that they’re able to orgasm in a room full of people, without even touching each other. Round of applause!

And more!

Best line of the episode: “I ain’t never crawling through a tunnel of piss and dookie, so rest easy.” Let’s just go with everything Taystee said. As Caputo’s new secretary, she’s able to use her Amanda voice a lot, which is amazing. And who doesn’t love a good Game of Thrones reference?! Hand of the Warden!

Thank you!: For Red’s subtle shade (“What do you want to do with that ear now that you’ve picked it?”) and giving the One Percent explosive diarrhea.

Questions: Where did that drone come from? Are they really going to kill Lolly? What will the vets-turned-COs living on-campus mean for the inmates?


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