6. Soso Confesses to Poussey
Soso is not a very good lesbian. In fact, she’s probably not a lesbian at all. Her sexual fluidity extends about as far as her hippie sensibilities would have presumed (loving the person, not the gender), but she seems to be succumbing to going “gay for the stay.” Soso tells Poussey she’s not sure if a lesbian relationship is what she’ll want once they’re out, and sweet, understanding Poussey once again convinces her to stop putting labels or “maybes” on their relationship.
5. Abdullah and Cindy Find Common Ground
Let’s not ask too many questions about how, but Abdullah is in possession of a cell phone that could be very useful for taking pictures of certain celebrity inmates to sell to tabloids for serious cash. And she’s more than happy to allow access to it for the right price, but Cindy’s too stubborn to see past their differences. When Taystee holds a mediation session to gain access to the phone, Abdullah let’s Cindy have it: “You know, I never did shit to you except claim what was rightfully mine. They gave me a bed, I slept in it. And ever since you’ve been making this bunk an unsafe place.” Hard to argue with that. Cindy does, briefly, until they both share a passion for Going Clear and how batshit Scientologists are.
4. Alex Calls Piper Out on Season 3 Antics
Piper’s primary characteristic is her narrow-minded selfishness, and season three saw some of the worst behavior. She framed Alex to get her back into Litchfield, but once Alex started behaving (rightfully!) paranoid about Kubra getting his revenge, Piper became bored and cheated on her with Stella. Now that Piper doesn’t have much of her own shit going on, she’s available to talk. Alex calls her out: “Now you have time for me? Now you want to talk? Where were you before? When I needed you? I begged you to listen to me and you were too busy fucking that tattooed kangaroo and calling me paranoid. I spent months thinking I was crazy because of you! And you know what? I was right!” She hasn’t told Piper about the cut-up body under the flowerbeds, but yeah. She was right.
3. Coates Lays Into Luschek
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time for a revolutionary thought: Is Coates a good guy? He sure seems like he’s yelling more at himself when he’s telling Luschek to get off his ass and take Gina to medical: “If she’s telling you she needs something, you need to listen to her. They’re people, for Christ sake. It’s our job to take care of these women. Do your fucking job! You’re not listening to her!” You’re not listening to her, he says. Yeah, he’s definitely working through some responsibility issues.
2. Nicky Lets Luschek Have It
Luschek did not have a very good episode. First Coates, then Nicky, who has had a decent chunk of time to think about what she’d say to the person who got her sent to Max. (Not to mention the confusing sex Judy King pressured him into.) Luschek goes to see Nicky and tries to get on her good side with the light banter they used to share. When that doesn’t work, he tries to give a sincere apology, saying he’s sorry for “how things ended up.” But Nicky doesn’t accept it, explaining how her sobriety was hard won with the availability of drugs and how lonely she is without any friends or prison family around her. “It’s all my fault,” she says as she breaks down. “So thank you for coming all the way down here and reminding me of all that while also managing to conveniently clear your own conscience.” Ending with a rousing, “Fuck you!” Nicky storms out and goes right back to heroin.
1. Maria Warns Piper
Maria learns that she will have another 3-5 years added to her sentence because Piper framed her with dirty panties in her bunk. All it takes is one line and a lot of anger to get her point across: “I am going to bury you. You’re never coming back from this. Never.” Terrifying.
Best line of the episode: Suzanne’s list of things that are better than being prison famous: “Pizza, daises, smelly markers, any animal, a really good dream, a warm bath, picking a booger – a dry one, pizza, graham crackers and icing sandwiches, the feeling you get when you make a really good joke and someone laughs, in a nice way, not a mean way.” What a treasure.
Thank you!: For showing the old inmate who accidentally shivved someone when she meant to shiv Vee in season two and Ruby Rose in Max! I am a sucker for continuity.
Questions: OMG SOPHIA WHAT DID YOU DO?! When is Caputo going to see Linda from Purchasing is full of shit? Could someone actually die this season?