A Ranking: Who is the Worst at Doing Their Job on ‘Orange is the New Black’?

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There are a lot of jobs to do at Litchfield: tending gardens, cleaning toilets, making sure inmates don’t have a bunch of razors tied together with string. Since the corporate powers-that-be took over the prison this season, it’s hard to find someone who is actually doing their job well. So here’s a ranking of people who are just terrible at their jobs.

6. CO Piscatella

By most accounts Piscatella is a model employee: he follows directions, knows the rules and enforces them appropriately, and all around gives a shit about making sure things run smoothly. And he’s a tough CO that’s not a complete dick! The one thing he neglected in finding a prison gang to do was any legwork to determine whether or not Piper is running her own. Way to go, buddy.

5. Taystee

Taystee is probably one of the most thorough and conscientious inmates in Litchfield. She’s doing her job as Caputo’s assistant as well as she can, but without supervision she can lapse into lazy behavior. Like hacking into Caputo’s computer (sideboobrulez? C’mon, dude.) and browsing the internet for hamster videos. Let’s hope she deleted her search history…

4. All the other COs

It’s like we’ve got a bunch of Pornstache clones! Just as annoying, just as handsy, and just as sleazy. They treat the job as a chance to boss people around and party with a shot of Jager and a raw egg when their night shift is up. It’s hard not to avoid a comment on the misogyny in the armed forces, and for as much as Caputo had a point about his former COs, at least they tried to do a good job.

3. Piper

Piper’s a big dummy. Piscatella put her in charge of creating a group to dissolve any semblance of gang activity in the prison, and she was more than willing to oblige to get back at her Dominican panty competition. Who knew she was going to inadvertently create a White Pride gang with a bona fide skinhead as a member? Literally everyone. Piper’s shortsightedness wins again.

2. Maritza

Her flashback teaches us that a pretty face can get away with almost anything, but it doesn’t mean she can be legitimately good at anything. Maritza’s game before prison was hustling and she was just terrible at it. Sure, some of it was bad luck, but the panty drop-off was a shit show. Her nerves cause her to stumble and at least one CO is onto her game. It also helps that he knows Spanish. But lesson learned: don’t put Maritza in charge of anything of significance.

1. MCC, or General Corporatization

CorrectiCon. Not just a conference, but a display of corporatization that exploits the prison system like it’s selling apps at TechCrunch. OITNB does an incredible job at creating a commentary around corporate bullshit without becoming too heavy-handed. I could easily roll my eyes at the booths full of prison tech, or Linda from Purchasing cheerfully saying the last “goldmine” was the War on Drugs, or the room full of mindless drones drooling over the glory of “the face of corrections in America” as he discusses the real plight of real people instead of actually listening to him.

This episode is framed by a woman’s period, aka the scourge of our sex. It started off with a serious lack of maxi pads, made fucking Linda from Purchasing the only person that can order more, lingers on the booth promoting the ease and affordability of menstrual cups, and ties it all up in a bow with, “Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn’t it?” This episode creates a deft commentary on not just the prison system but also how it affects the most basic needs of a woman.

MCC may be great at cutting costs and marginalizing human beings, but it sucks at doing its job.

And more!

Best line of the episode: “Yeah. I like dudes. I will never find you adorable. Keep that in mind.” – Piscatella. I just love this guy.

Thank you!: For recreating the Mad Pooper plotline from Bob’s Burgers.

Questions: How will Piper get out of becoming the leader of a white supremacist gang? Will that creepy CO confront Maritza on her panty drop? Will Morello and Suzanne ever find the Mad Pooper?!

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