The 6 Schemes in ‘Orange is the New Black,’ Ranked According to Success


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“Turn Table Turn” was an episode full of characters trying by whatever means necessary to get what they want. Their causes range from food to moral quests to basic human decency, and are all doing it at varying levels of success. Let’s see who’s doing the best at achieving their goals:

6. Nicky and Her Heroin… Again

Since succumbing to temptation to use again while in Max, Nicky’s taken up stealing in order to pay for her heroin. After saying some pretty shitty things to Morello and trying to push Red away, she agrees to become clean again. So this “scheme” is all but negated for now, but considering Nicky’s love of heroin and her impulsive behavior, it’s not unlikely she’ll be able to refuse going back to her drug of choice.

5. Piper, Alex, and Shake Shack

On good terms again and working the crack out of their systems, Piper and Alex get the brilliant idea to persuade baby-faced CO Bailey to smuggle in some Shake Shack cheeseburgers for them. But he’s come a long way from his days of being a panty dealer for free, and agrees to their request, as long as he gets that hand job promised to him last season. Now on the straight and narrow, Piper and Alex agree to forego the burger-by-handy for a spam and spray cheese. Off-brand Spam sandwich of righteousness, indeed.

4. Maritza’s Crack Down

… So to speak. It was actually a pretty ingenious maneuver, stopping the influx of drugs where it began so she didn’t have to be the runner anymore. Unfortunately for her, Maria is onto her and the creepy CO Humphrey is playing a real-life game of What Would You Rather Do? with her. The poor thing shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place.

3. Judy and Cindy’s Love Affair

Cindy was skeptical as to the success of their make-out-for-the-tabloid stunt, but eased into it nicely once she discovered the perks of being “romantically involved” with Judy King. Sure, Caputo’s more than suspicious, but as long as the two love birds maintain their facade, they’re in the clear.

2. Blanca’s Stink Fest

You have to admire Blanca’s resolve, both in present day and back when she was an at-home caregiver to a surly old lady. She’s working the civil disobedience angle as far as it’ll take her, becoming the Che Guevara of Hallway Groping, though it cannot be easy keeping that up while also smelling like several different kinds of fish. But she’s got more gumption than any of the COs put together. I don’t doubt she’ll be standing on that table for days as one big middle finger.

1. Sister Ingalls’ Trip to the SHU

It’s mostly unfortunate for Gloria that Ingalls tried to get sent to the SHU at a time when it’s almost maxed out, otherwise she may have been able to avoid a slap to the face. But Ingalls’ ruse worked, and she’s about to endure solitary while trying to get some intel on her friend. That’s dedication.

And more!

Best line of the episode: The whole bit about USA shows. Brilliant shade!

Thank you!: For Morello calling out Angie on her shower pooping. Angie was completely blindsided and it was hilarious.

Questions: Will Morello fully lapse into paranoid stalker mode again? Will Maria lose her power? Will Daya and Aleida stop giving each other shit before she’s released? What happens to Boo and Tucky’s relationship now? What the hell did Maritza choose?!

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